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Keep · Holding · On
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Dear friend,
Thank you...
for showing me that friends do let each other down no matter how hard we try.
for giving me the responsibility of being the "bigger person."
for putting me through this so that I can be stronger next time.
for making me deal with this so that I will have even larger walls to break down if I ever try again.
for showing me that I wasn't worth the wait, even though I thought you were worth every second.
for the nice thought of not telling me your secrets so I wouldn't be hurt.
for hurting me when you didn't tell me those secrets.
for turning to someone else with your pain, even though we were supposed to be in it together.
for getting my hopes up and then throwing them in my face.
Thank you for breaking my heart, and breaking yours. Because now I know what not to look for next time I want to fall in love.
Current Mood: |
 crushed | |
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So nevada was pretty amazing being able to see all of my friends...well, most of them. It's amazing how much you take your friends for granted and you realize how important they are when you almost don't have them anymore. I miss all of you that I didn't get to see, but Rach and Lacey...you guys rock my socks. Rachel thanks for yodeling for me, I think I'll put it on my myspace. No not really. Casey and Ashlee I'll see you next time, but I'll love you forever and like you for always, as long as you're living my buddies you'll be. I do have a twang when I talk as graciously pointed out by EVERYONE at the party. But you all know you like it. yes, i do say Chicaaaaago. So I think I want to come back out at like Spring Break or in the summer sometime. Any takers? On another note, I'm sorry you misunderstood
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you
nothing hurts like this one did
and the sick feeling doesn't go away I don't know you anymore
but I love you no matter what
as soon as you come back
I'd like to meet you again. I always say "don't ever change"
but you didn't listen this time
you were supposed to protect me
more than I protected you with a heavy heart
and dark circles under my eyes
with tears that still drip sore
and grief that haunts my soul I'm sorry.
I'm hurt.
I'm disappointed
and I love you.
Current Mood: |
crushed | |
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Okay Everyone!!!!!! It's an open invite, if any of you want to come. Mrs. Cassie's in Genoa, like, by Rachel 5 til Whenever New Years Eve I will be there and so will food. It's just a come and go as you please get together so that I can see everyone. Everyone who can come that is, I know it's short notice. But anyway, anyone who reads this is invited and I'd love to see each and every one of you. |
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I'm not a stranger
No, I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you'll see
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone
I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore
But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
- Plumb can't look back, can't let it hurt, just let it go.
Current Location: |
bedroom |
Current Mood: |
 okay |
Current Music: |
Cut- Plumb | |
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So I got in a car accident today. Nothing major, not my fault. Thank God that it wasn't something more, but it is the scariest thing in life to be in an accident. If the guy had hit me any sooner, or farther down my side of the car, he would have hit my door and possibly me. Apparently for the person behind you to understand, you HAVE to turn on your blinker when pulling into a parking space, otherwise the car behind you will speed up to try and pass you AS YOU ARE TURNING therefore hitting the front of your car. Oh well, at least my car isn't the one scattered all over the school parking lot. |
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Okay, so this is a monologue that I had to write for Creative Writing at school. I suck at writing, but I thought I'd put it up anyway.
Truly…
I’m not sure how to put this but I think that I’ve lost my sense of wonder. I’m not unique I have no…no creative aura that surrounds me, no one characteristic that defines who I am, no friends to know me inside and out, no special place that I call home, no nothing. It’s almost as if I’m stuck in the center of a tornado, the calmest part with everything spinning uncontrollably around it. And yet, it feels like the center should be the busiest, the craziest, hardest, most painful. But it’s not. I guess I’m just sitting waiting for something spectacular to happen. As if some passer by is going to take care of this slump for me and I can pick up where I left off whenever I want to. Life has lost its splendor. I don’t enjoy sitting in the café drinking coffee and watching the people go about their interesting lives anymore. Window shopping isn’t really as romantic as every holiday dreamer seems to think it is. I don’t wish on shooting stars anymore; never laugh anymore. Maybe it’s because I’m so caught up in search of a life like everyone else has that I just don’t have a life anymore. There isn’t anything that thrills me. My dreams are foolish because they are so far out of this world even the biggest dreamer couldn’t think of them coming true. I thought I saw an old friend
through a frosted window once, but it turned out to be a hand-painted Russian doll that seemed to brighten the faces of any little girl walking by. Why can’t I be that doll? How come there isn’t something about me that puts a twinkle in the eye of anyone I smile at? Ha-ha, well, I don’t smile, so I guess that settles that. They say that the beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I suppose to have a beholder you have to have beauty. So I’ll settle with plain and a generic personality. Truly, if I really did have a sense of wonder, I would have taken better care of it.
Current Mood: |
 calm | |
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So really, I've been totally blessed this year: I live in Chicago, one of the biggest dance hubs in the U.S.
I still have Rachel Jackson, Jess Greer, Ashlee, Caseycotter, Serena, Nicole, Cat, Kat, and Taylor that keep me sane when I'm going through crap.
Lacey makes me laugh...alot, I don't know what I would do without her sense of humor :)
I have a great dance studio
I've made some pretty amazing friends.
I get to come back to Nevada after Christmas and spend New Years with all of you guys.
My church is probably the best thing that's ever happened to my family.
Work was a blessing in itself, but the people there are the coolest.
The dance intensive in the summer was the most amazing thing I've ever done.
Um...I moved halfway across the country and really, wouldn't change it for the world. so just a couple of major things that have made an impact.
I do have to say that as much depression and sadness my family goes through we really have been blessed whether it feels like it or not. We still laugh, we still smile, we still joke, we still hug, we still dance, we still enjoy each other no matter what. I'm totally for flying by the seat of your pants, because it really shows you what your made of. ~Laramie
Current Location: |
basement |
Current Music: |
turtle tank? | |
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Yesterday from the beginning of first period to the end of fourth was 1/2 session for my government class. People come to watch the different committee's debate and pass bills and it's actually kinda fun. Well, the last bill my committee had to hear about and debate and vote on was abortion. Can I just say to anyone who is pro-life that I was so upset. I mean, I'm sitting here listening to this speech on pro-choice and I'm shaking so bad that I can't hold my papers right while I read about this bill. Needless to say I tore that bill apart with the help of three other friends of mine that disagree with abortion. But it's still so confusing to me how anyone can believe that the child within the womb is not alive. Give me a break. Two weeks after conception, the baby has it's own heartbeat and respiratory system. RESPIRATORY. It is breathing. so don't even tell me that it isn't alive. This bill also gave some prices that have been lowered to make abortion more affordable for low income women. Are you freaking kidding me? $1700 for a 4th to 7th month abortion. A baby is almost fully formed at seven months and some women give birth at this time! I raised my hand after I saw this in the bill and I read off the prices including the one that pays for killing a child in the 7th month. Okay, if you are going to take an innocent life before it has even had the chance to live yet you had better expect to pay a HECK of alot more than that. People adopt children for more than this so if you are going to kill a baby, the sky isn't even the limit for how much it should cost. You can't put a price on life. So are you telling me that everyone in this room is only worth $1700?
And the girl kept calling the baby a fetus and then she would switch to baby, then she would say child. So we would raise our hands and say "so the child IS living since you just called it a baby." It just makes me so angery. It took all of me not to break the rules and just yell at her. And one of the methods they will use for their new abortion law is partial birth abortion. Ryan raised his hand "so you are going to take the baby apart piece by piece? and it's alive?" That is exactly what they want to do and I can't even explain how much that makes my hear break these are living beings that God created after HIS image! A whole life has just been destroyed. It's a person. And they didn't even say that much, they think that the human inside has not attained "personhood" until it has been birthed. Give me a frickin' break. So the rest of the day and so far today I'm just going over the argument over and over because I am so angery. This is by Kathy Troccoli and it makes me sad: I can hear her talking with a friend
I think it's all about me
Oh how she can't have a baby now
My mommy doesn't see
That I feel her breathe, I know her voice
Her blood, it flows through my heart
God you know my greatest wish is that
We'd never be apart
But if I should die before I wake
I pray her soul you'll keep
Forgive her Lord, she doesn't know
That you gave life to me
Do I really have to say goodbye
Don't want this time to be through
Oh please tell her that I love her Lord
And that you love her too
Cause if I should die before I wake
I pray her soul you'll keep
Forgive her Lord, she doesn't know
That you gave life to me
On the days when she may think of me
Please comfort her with the truth
That the angels hold me safe and sound
Cause I'm in Heaven with you
I'm in Heaven with you -Laramie
Current Mood: |
 irritated |
Current Music: |
I Love Lucy | |
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So I have a prayer request. Last night Sherry (my Prima dance teacher) said that I should go to the doctor for my knees. Because it is very possible that I have patellar tendinitis. Greeeeaaaaat.
I have another ballet teacher who had tendinitis and she still danced. but I don't know if the dance that she was able to do was her passion at first or not. So i don't know how this will affect me.
I'm not nervous or anything, but it kinda makes me wonder if I will be able to do what I love at an intense level.
So if you all could pray.....for anything I guess. There's something screwy going on with my little knees.
Anyway, It was the coolest thing. I'm not a drama person, I mean I love it but I'm not very good at acting. I'm in drama at school and this week we worked on improv. So the other day my teacher made us do this thing where we learned to access our emotions based on past experiences. Like, if I was gonna be happy in the scene I would access a memory and take those happy feelings and use them for my emotions in the act. So I did a sad one with crying seeing as how I just moved away from the places I never imagined leaving. I can't cry on command, but I thought I'd try. So my scene was I get a call saying that my two best friends had just died in a car accident. So I do the improv scene, not being able to cry, but I was so, so into it. And the bell rings right as I finish and I look up and my teacher and Caitlin are crying, Lina, Nina, and Kyle (girl) all have tears in their eyes, Jaime can't say anything she just stares at me, and Joe said he almost cried.
So I was excited. never moved anyone like that it's kinda fun. Now I know why Rachel and Casey dig it so much happy or sad.
I think that is all I have. I did go to homecoming. It was gross I was so bored. People just...well you all know what they were doing. I just stood there with my friend and we danced by ourselves.
mmmm.....in January I'm going to a dance convention taught by Mia Michaels, Wade Robson, Chris Judd, and a couple others. Very Exciting!
Well I miss all of you guys very very much. I don't really have lots going on so I never write. I did have to write 25 poems for Creative Writing, so maybe I'll share a couple of those corny ones later.
Love you all,
Laramie |
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Um, so living in Chicago is probably pretty amazing I've decided. I dance at an academy now. With ballet classes taught by a hard core prima ballerina. I go to school with kids who think they are just "it". I work at a cafe/deli with people who are so amazing, my new family. I talk to my nevada friends as much as I can, but it still isn't the same. I go to a huge church where I feel like I have to keep a bigger image than ever before. There is a downtown, mini Chicago ten minutes from my house....its pretty dang fabulous. Everyone here goes to see broadway in chicago all the time. I have met so many people with so many connections, I'll be auditioning soon for companies and plays. I write letters now. Never really kept in touch that way, but its much more fun than stinky ole email. On the weekend, the streets of downtown Naperville are crowded as ever. People don't sleep here on weekends. So really, I do like it here. I'm really missing you guys and my studio family, but this is where God wants me to be and I am totally being blessed by being here. God has taught me so much in that if I don't stand firm in my faith, I won't stand at all. It's amazing how well things fall together when you give everything up to God and let him do his thing. Ha, its much more fun not knowing what comes next.
Love you all,
Laramie
Current Location: |
basement |
Current Music: |
Behind Enemy Lines | |
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okay, so cellphone situation, I don't have one at the moment. home phone is (630) 324-6011. |
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Tis my birthday and I have no friends to celebrate with. Well, if i still lived in Nevada you all would be at my house right now!
Haha, so I got a job at a little cafe/market deal, it's cute I like it. So that is all for today, maybe I'll write a deep one later. Love you guys!! |
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Home from Mississippi finally. For real, that intensive...was intense. But I learned so much and I grew in Christ like never before. Yep I was super sore and pushed to the limit, but it was so good.
They had creative worship nights too, which were amazing. Every time they did it it was different, and the second night of worship God took my eating disorder away. It was so out of the box. I'm just sitting there knowing that I would be convicted and I was. God totally told me that I didn't have to carry all of this hurt and pain and these lies that I have been believing. And so I'm sitting there just giving it up to Him with everything I have in me, and I could literally feel him reach in and take it out of me. I could feel it.
So now I'm home, or at least I'm at a house soon to be home. I miss all of you and I hope to talk to you all soon. Please be praying for me as i start at the highschool and at a new performing arts studio. I'll also be looking for some auditions to get some "professional experience" in before I actually start pursuing performing arts. So I love you all!
Laramie
oh and caseycotter, my dad took me to see Wicked the night before I left for Miss. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen! |
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To celebrate Father's Day without a dad.
Kinda hard to be excited for father's, when at the moment you don't physically have one.
Kinda hard to laugh at his jokes over the phone.
Kinda hard to tell him I miss him and make it sound heartfelt because it really is.
Kinda hard to wake up and watch him lead worship through a hypercast, and watch him wear the wacky shirt his kids made him.
Kinda hard to spend the day doing nothing, really relating to kids who don't have a dad. I finally went to the studio today and practiced on things that I suck at. And then I just danced. Danced out all the hurt, pain, mistakes, jealousy. I kept asking myself why the heck I am at the studio dancing and spending time with myself, wanting to hang out, watching tv all day on Father's Day?...then I realized it's because my dad is 2,000 miles away, asking himself the same question...he has no kids to tell him how great he his.
I kept wanting to call someone and go have some fun, then I remembered all my friends have dads to celebrate.
I can't wait until this is over.
Current Location: |
Fuller lane |
Current Mood: |
depressed |
Current Music: |
These Days- Chantal Kreviazuk | |
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HOLY CRAP... it's been an entire month since I wrote last. dude. so life is pretty crazy. I'm totally not digging the whole "pick up and move to Chicago" bit. But it could turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. I guess I'm scared of that cuz I can't see anythig better than being here with my friends.
I keep having to leave family. CVC was over a year ago, and we moved to a church in Reno. Later in the summer we left that church to be a part of the church that it was starting. So technically we didn't really leave that family, but most of it. Now, my dad is going on six weeks living in Chicago, and now that stupid people shut our brand new church down, we have no church to go to.
I got to see my dad for a day and a half after five and a half weeks of not seeing him at all. It hurts. Like my hedge of protection was taken away from me when he left. I don't have someone to protect me or be there for me anymore. The phone conversations don't count. So I guess this is where I get a real life example of what faith in God is. I can't see him or touch him...or run to him when I'm scared, but I can talk to him. Faith, tough word.
And now all of my best friends that I have since leaving CVC are being ripped away from me too. Seriously, I only have a few friends left at CVC, and that is okay. But the people I have met since then are there for me 24/7, and they don't judge, they don't hesitate, they care about what is going on. and I haven't had that in a while.
Someone took me shopping today. For the most random thing ever...fabric for a dance costume. I never shop for that. But she was talking to my dad on the phone and she said that she loved me, and was going to miss me. No one ever really says that and means it. I mean, people tell me all the time that life will be different without me, but not seriously looking at me and really meaning it. So it was cool that I know for real that I will be missed to at least one person.
so there is my life in a nut shell. We move out of the parsonage next week, and from there, I have no idea.
Current Mood: |
 tired | |
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Oh...kay.
So our house is pretty much completely empty, like, we are sleeping on the floor, yay. Monday we leave to Reno for good. I'll be staying at random houses during the week cuz I don't really care for driving reno to valley, valley to reno, every single day. Kinda hard walking through my house and facing reality, cuz it's empty and lonely, and pretty soon I'll be on my way to Chicago.
Stars auditions are tomorrow. I always get nervous, but it's a solo so whatever. And there is only like, ten numbers so far, so auditions are kinda pointless at this moment. but it will be awesome thanks to Mrs. Cassie who choreographed the most amazing dance ever for me.
And you can all laugh at me, it's okay cuz I don't really care what anyone thinks right now. I'm going to the prom in Reno in May. Yes, it's planned for homeschoolers but that just makes it all the more....cool? haha, I don't have a dress or anything, but last minute shopping sprees are always fun.
And I got accepted to the summer intensive in Mississippi so I am super excited.
Everyone needs to call me and go to coffee or just take a walk or something, cuz I really have no idea what is going on in anyone's lives, and I really care about you loves.
okay that's it. |
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well, this one's short. I'm super sick, a terrible cold and fever all week. It sucks I think I got everyone at the studio sick. but.....I lost weight (from being sick and working too hard), can't complain. Sunday is competition, and I'm nervous. it's a strict one and I"m not sure if I'm gonna totally bomb or not. A tap and musical theatre, both outstanding routines...for real, I don't think I've ever seen this studio do as well at anything like these before. But they challenge me, so I'm a little psyched. And after the competition I race up to reno to see my dad lead the closing song of his last service here. and then we go to a going away party for my dad from our church. please pray for me, I become a wreck when these things happen.
After this happy time, is another going away dinner at my house, and I will cry prolly.
Please pray that this won't be as hard as it is now, when I move. I don't cry anymore, but that's just because most people think I"m over it.
Love and Miss you all. |
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Why is it everytime I blink someone has a problem with me?
How come you felt the need to post all over the internet something very personal about me?
I want to be there for you, but if you can't open up and let it out, don't expect me to fight for you when I don't know why!
I want to be like you, but I always feel like you don't want to have anything to do with me.
You broke the trust and faith I had in you.
So a couple people have been on my mind. And it kinda sucks cuz there are difficult things going on between me and these friends, and I have no idea what to do. I can't really talk to anyone, cuz then it would hurt other people too.
And the weeks are going by so fast. It takes like five minutes, and it's already the end of the week. Chicago is coming up, we have to be out of our house by the end of April. And before I know it, I will be in a whole different world, wishing I was back here.
Current Mood: |
depressed |
Current Music: |
riddle- five for fighting | |
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Fighting hard to control the tears When will it be over? When will it be too late? Walking through the streets alone This is the part of life I dread the most Oh, God if you could see me now…..do you see me now? Let the days go by like a sudden breath Let the streets echo with those words of guilt that you hold in. Make the most of these very moments Take in the brilliant pain….that comes with everyday of your life. And remember to breathe before you die. No more pills to take or hearts to break It’s time for music to ease the wrenching in my soul. Maybe one last time I’ll stop the hate Maybe one last time I’ll try and ease the pain But then when it’s all meaningless anyway… Let the days go by like a sudden breath Let the streets echo with those words of guilt that you hold in. Make the most of these very moments Take in the brilliant pain….that comes with everyday of your life. And remember to breathe before you die. Make the days go by like a sudden breath Let the streets reveal the fear you hold inside Make the most of all the heartbeats… That faintly hit the chest that holds your collapsing spirit. Take in the brilliant pain…that comes with every second of your life. And remember to breathe… Remember to breathe…
Current Mood: |
 stressed | |
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So Dupree was awesome, and I'm super sore. The competition went until 1:00am, so when we went to do our musical theatre number, which was the very last one, it was 1 in the morning. but all our numbers got first or second, so that was cool. And I thought that you all should know so that you don't hear it throught the grapevine, that we are moving to Chicago at the end of June. Just so you all know, please pray for me, this has been an emotional rollercoaster and it sucks. Love you All! so I know you all prolly don't know most of these people, but they are fun pics anyway. They make me smile. I'm pretty much ugly in every one, especially the Seuss pics, but the stories that go along with them are hilarious.        
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